Humorous

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You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same!

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Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

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The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.

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Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the universe together.

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Why do they lock gas station restrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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"Auntie Em, Hate you. Hate Kansas. Taking the dog." -Dorothy

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Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

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Join the Army. Meet interesting people, kill them.

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

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Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

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If you get to it and you can't do it... well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
Lord Buckley

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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